Big dose of humility

                                              

Oh man, a struggling mom.

I feel like that has been me.

And probably every other mom too.

But this past couple weeks I have been in a major funk. Not just in mommy terms, but just with myself. All of me. My weight, my daily habits, my behavior as a mom, my exhaustion, all leading to a mind that is losing pride in who I am. 

I know they aren't all true, but its hard to fight the negative thoughts sometimes, especially when you feel like all you get to be is negative some days. Like as stay at home mom and home school mom, I am "do this, do that, stop this, stop that" mom. I get to be bad cop, LIKE ALL THE TIME. At least that's how it feels, and when you feel like the bad guy all the time, you just start to feel bad. 

More bad thoughts seep in that have nothing to even do with parenting, but being mom is mostly what I am. So I started there. I starting see the problems and at first you think "Gosh why are my kids like this?" then you go "well, crap, that's on me." then you feel worse. 

Then you take a GIANT DOSE of humility and pick yourself up and go "How do I fix it?" 

What was I doing wrong to begin with? What can I change about MYSELF for THEM?

Probably too much yelling?

Probably too much phone time?

 Probably too much nagging and not enough uplifting? 

Probably not following through with things I said I would do? 

Probably allowing too many electronics in their world? 

Probably not enough time spent WITH them, not just homeschooling, or chauffeur to speech and occupation therapy, the store, the library, but WITH THEM? 

You know, probably all of these things???? You notice the FAILING part.

So I am starting with my parenting fails, to help change them succeed. Well us, I have talked to my husband about the things I get to notice everyday and how bad they are. But since I am primarily the one home, most of this falls on me. He just backs whatever I say because he is a clever man.

So what have I started to do? 

I have started to put my phone down more when with them, except to take pictures and videos, because if you know me at all, you know I need those.

I am trying to catch my yelling before it starts and only use it when it seems necessary. Some may say never, but I say sometimes it's needed. That's just me. I am also trying to catch how they speak to each other, and hope my example of doing better will help them do better.

 I am trying to remember to praise their good behavior or accomplishments and not just nag at what they keep doing wrong, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I told them how to do it right (cause you, that happens, A LOT). Also hoping this helps them find their kind words better.

Following through. I finally scheduled that play date that was long over due. You know with friends you promised they would make after moving them to a whole new state, and then promised to help them know better by doing play dates. You know, the one you promised when you pulled her out of school to home school? Yeah those friends and play dates. IT FINALLY DID IT! and it if felt good. Hearing their laughter, squeals (LOUD SQUEALS), and seeing their smiles was more than over due. Now to start actually getting camping supplies and a family fund jar made for the camping trip we decided to work towards as a family. 

I am working on the be WITH THEM more. On the floor, board games, working on stretching, dance stuff, whatever floats their boat. We are going to start reading the Harry Potter series together, I have never fully read them. As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movies, I could never get into the books. But for them, I am doing it. Not all the time, because I also want them to learn how to entertain themselves as well. I mean it's why I keep having more, they have built in play buddies. (kidding, don't be so serious)

The big issue I have picked up on is the "importance" to them of the electronics and the fact that they get "bored" and have no idea what to do the moment I say "get up and go play".  We have slowly taken things back for some time, like no games on Sunday morning, and limiting game/tablet time, but still it seems to still be a problem. They cry when they can't watch another show, play more games, or goodness forbid, have to stop playing to do school work. Its made me angry, cry and upset with them, until I realized, we let it get this bad. Our plan is next Monday, nothing at all for anyone. Then we will have a Family Home Evening (for those who don't know, that's a Mormon family night thing, typically done on monday nights with a lesson supported by scripture and/or the Prophets and leaders of the church). Over the weekend my husband and I will go over what we think is ok daily and then start applying it on Tuesday. I truly think this is the biggest culprit for the attitudes, whining, laziness and over all misbehavior.

I also plan on working on consistent chores, I have them do them, but not on a consistent basis. They need some work ethic added in their lives. Too bad we don't live on a farm already.

Charts will probably be made, fits will probably be had. I will probably want the t.v. back on for sanity, but not give in. 

I have already started to feel a bit better as a mom with the things I have been working on. I truly think the electronics one will be the biggest and best change this home needs and I can't wait.

Will everyday be perfect? no. Will I still fail? Absolutely. What I am hoping this will teach me for the next around, is that I can always scratch that and start over. I mean heck, isn't that one of the biggest things we learn from our Savior and the Atonement. That we can "scratch that, start over"???

So there you have it, I will just leave you with that verse and my big dose of humility that I am sharing with you. Don't be afraid to take your own if there is somewhere in your life that could use it. Let's face it, there probably is, sorry, not sorry.

Dear Secily

Dear Secily,

 Tomorrow you turn one. Happy FIRST Birthday!!!

You have made it a whole year in the big world, although you have yet to discover very much of it. I promise though, soon enough, you will get to know quite a bit of it.

For now though, hold on to this innocence. For as long as you can.

There are so many things I would love to say to you. First and for most I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me I can be a great mother. Once upon a time I was pregnant, not with you though, but with a baby I would later miscarry. The worst part isn't the miscarriage, but that I spent those couple weeks that I know I was pregnant, terrified. I was afraid I would be a horrible mother to more than 2. I had a mom who battled depression, and I felt that somehow having kids had made it
worse. I know now that wasn't the case. But being prone to depression spells, anxiety and panic attacks, my fears took over. I panicked, I cried. Then I lost that baby, and I felt awful. I couldn't decide if it was my fault, or if it was His sign that I was right and would have
failed.

I prayed a lot.

I promised God if He would give me another chance, I wouldn't have fear, I would trust Him. I would do the best I could and know that is ok. Or if it wasn't meant to be then just let me know and be ok with that. So then we tried, we tried so long doctors told me I might not actually be able to have another baby, at least not without help. So we tried a little longer. Then we stopped and sort of moved on passed the idea. Focused on getting healthy, talked more about fostering and adoption.

Then one day, I felt off. 16 months since miscarrying. I decided to take a test. There was this little faint line.

I was pregnant, yes, this time with you.

I called my doctor right away because they had a feeling my two previous miscarriages had to do with hormone problems. Sure enough I was on the low end, I started taking progesterone, they watch numbers, we prayed, A LOT. We had so many ultrasounds to make sure you were still growing. Your heart was still beating.

Each time you were just perfect.

This is the first time I finally heard and saw your heart beat.

In this past year, you have been God's answered prayer. You have been His gift to us, and most importantly me. Because you have helped me to know I can be an AMAZING mother of more than 2. No I am not perfect all the time. No one is. But I have made it through countless sleepless nights

with you, and still accomplished getting people out the door for work and school, been dance mom, moved states away from friends and family, still survived. I have become a home school mom, a part time working mom, and still survived. With strength, happiness, and even better, the knowledge to know I could do this again one day when we can finally foster and adopt. Instead of being afraid, my heart longs for more. 

In your one little year, you have filled me heart so much and opened it up more than I thought possible.  

I love you, more than you know and in that way that will probably lead to embarrassing you one day. Sorry, not sorry!

1st birthday, 3rd born

                                           

                                   (replace with her/daughter/girl/women..you get it)

This one was the hardest during her first year. My other two were pro sleepers, happy babies almost all the time, allowed you to put them down and over all pretty content. The second never liked to be held much, so I was used to having arms. Then she came and knocked me off my "I have great sleepers" high horse. Still at almost one, she ends up in our bed for about an hour every night. She is needier than the first and teething has been HORRIBLE, for what feels like eternity. I will say though, she followed suit on being a generally happy giggly baby. I love that I have happy babies. But one day, I know it will pass and be gone before I know it. Our house will be empty and our daughters will be women out in the world. 

For now, I will appreciate my 6, 4 and (almost) 1 year old.

I can't believe this time last year was 39 weeks pregnant (and HUGE)...ok this photo is 32 weeks, couldn't find one after this, just imagine the belly MUCH bigger.

Come Friday baby girl #3 will no longer be our baby, but instead she will be {1} and a toddler. I admit, I am not super sappy about when they grow another year older. The sap normally happens half way through the year and randomly hits me. It could also be that she doesn't seem 1 at all. She is definitely more of a "baby" compared to her sisters at this stage, I mean, heck, she just barely reached 20lbs. Her sisters concurred that baby goal weight by 6 months. Either way, I feel no tears over her coming birthday, just crazy how fast the year has come and gone by.

It's also true what they say about the difference between your first born and each child after.

Exhibit {A}- Daughter #1

 Two huge parties, well decorated, good food, lots of family. I made cute things for her 1 year pictures, we set up in an indoor backdrop and everything. I had my sis in law make adorable tutu's and jewelry. Bought her a fish tank and a bunch of toys.

Exhibit {B}- Daughter #2

One huge party. I still did one year pictures but only made one simple cute sign, no special outfits made, but bought a cute one, her photos turned out gorgeous though. We bought her a few toy.

Exhibit {C}- Daughter #3

I just barely did her photos and she is wearing a cute top, but used to be a dress but is now too small. No special made props, no special planning. Pretty sure she hates the camera, or just loves me too much, because she hated being pried off me. So her photos are not the best. She also hates the snow apparently. No big party (mainly because we moved away, but still, I doubt we would have done one). As for gifts, I COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF SOMETHING! The one thing I wanted to get her was gone by the time Christmas was over and I couldn't find a happy replacement. So I last minute bought her something that I found at work. That's it, one gift kiddo.

Pretty sure I will just high five the next kid and give them cake.

Welcome to life as the 3rd child, sorry, not sorry. Enjoy.

I can't explain why, but this one was my favorite.

 

It's true, she really hated the snow, her hand touched it once, that was the end of the outdoor photo session. 

 

**There you have it, Happy (almost) 1st birthday Secily**

Why?

Why am I calling my blog "The Unapologetic Me"? Because, to be honest, I have spent most my life using the words "I'm sorry" probably more than I should.

I am the kind of person who feels hard. I have emotions for everything and everyone. I feel bad even when I know I shouldn't, and I can't help myself. Over the years I have tried to work on that, being me, saying what I feel, and doing what I need for me and my family, and not being sorry. I haven't been that great at it, but I also wasn't trying terribly hard either.

I was afraid.

I was afraid to put "real" me out into the world and not be sorry. I worry about disappointing others. I spent my life, as far back as I can remember, trying to be the perfect daughter/sister/friend/family member. Walking on eggshells, smiling when I feel the least bit happy, crumbling on the inside screaming words, but never saying them. Basically only my husband knows me full force, flaws, thoughts, actions and all. He seems to like me enough.

So this year, I want to try something new. I have never been the kind of person to enjoy making New Year's resolutions, I typically do the usual "I will lose weight" like everyone else, just to say I made one. I refuse to make that a resolution because let's be honest, every year I end up like 10lbs heavier than than the year before. My theory this time is if I don't make it a resolution, then maybe I will be 10lbs lighter by then end of this year instead. A girl can hope.

So whats my something new? Myself.

My Unapologetic Me. I want to be who I am, say how I feel, do what I want for ME and not feel bad.

Don't get me wrong, does this mean I will stop caring about others feelings. Heck no. I am actually fairly certain I am completely incapable of disregarding others feelings. I want to just not feel so bad or sorry if someone isn't doesn't like who I am or what I am about.

For example, I started homeschooling my oldest (and only one of school age at this time) back in November of last year. I told maybe a hand full of people. Why? Because I was afraid I would some how upset someone.

Why should I be sorry for choosing to teach our children the why I think is best for OUR family? That's it though, I shouldn't be. I don't want to be. It doesn't have to be right for yours, you don't have to understand why I do it. Just trust that we made the right decision for us.

And so, this year, I plan to work on being more "me".  Not the "me" I think people want me to be, not the me that walks on egg shells (for the most part, I have been known to speak up at times) to keep everyone happy and content. To be a more sure of myself, me.

                                                     

Ok, another honest moment, this whole unapologetic me thing, may stick mostly within my blog. and I am not even sure I will share it on any social media. But it's a start right??? I have a year to work on it.

Sorry, not sorry.