Dear Secily

Dear Secily,

 Tomorrow you turn one. Happy FIRST Birthday!!!

You have made it a whole year in the big world, although you have yet to discover very much of it. I promise though, soon enough, you will get to know quite a bit of it.

For now though, hold on to this innocence. For as long as you can.

There are so many things I would love to say to you. First and for most I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me I can be a great mother. Once upon a time I was pregnant, not with you though, but with a baby I would later miscarry. The worst part isn't the miscarriage, but that I spent those couple weeks that I know I was pregnant, terrified. I was afraid I would be a horrible mother to more than 2. I had a mom who battled depression, and I felt that somehow having kids had made it
worse. I know now that wasn't the case. But being prone to depression spells, anxiety and panic attacks, my fears took over. I panicked, I cried. Then I lost that baby, and I felt awful. I couldn't decide if it was my fault, or if it was His sign that I was right and would have
failed.

I prayed a lot.

I promised God if He would give me another chance, I wouldn't have fear, I would trust Him. I would do the best I could and know that is ok. Or if it wasn't meant to be then just let me know and be ok with that. So then we tried, we tried so long doctors told me I might not actually be able to have another baby, at least not without help. So we tried a little longer. Then we stopped and sort of moved on passed the idea. Focused on getting healthy, talked more about fostering and adoption.

Then one day, I felt off. 16 months since miscarrying. I decided to take a test. There was this little faint line.

I was pregnant, yes, this time with you.

I called my doctor right away because they had a feeling my two previous miscarriages had to do with hormone problems. Sure enough I was on the low end, I started taking progesterone, they watch numbers, we prayed, A LOT. We had so many ultrasounds to make sure you were still growing. Your heart was still beating.

Each time you were just perfect.

This is the first time I finally heard and saw your heart beat.

In this past year, you have been God's answered prayer. You have been His gift to us, and most importantly me. Because you have helped me to know I can be an AMAZING mother of more than 2. No I am not perfect all the time. No one is. But I have made it through countless sleepless nights

with you, and still accomplished getting people out the door for work and school, been dance mom, moved states away from friends and family, still survived. I have become a home school mom, a part time working mom, and still survived. With strength, happiness, and even better, the knowledge to know I could do this again one day when we can finally foster and adopt. Instead of being afraid, my heart longs for more. 

In your one little year, you have filled me heart so much and opened it up more than I thought possible.  

I love you, more than you know and in that way that will probably lead to embarrassing you one day. Sorry, not sorry!