I am the kind of person who feels hard. I have emotions for everything and everyone. I feel bad even when I know I shouldn't, and I can't help myself. Over the years I have tried to work on that, being me, saying what I feel, and doing what I need for me and my family, and not being sorry. I haven't been that great at it, but I also wasn't trying terribly hard either.
I was afraid.
I was afraid to put "real" me out into the world and not be sorry. I worry about disappointing others. I spent my life, as far back as I can remember, trying to be the perfect daughter/sister/friend/family member. Walking on eggshells, smiling when I feel the least bit happy, crumbling on the inside screaming words, but never saying them. Basically only my husband knows me full force, flaws, thoughts, actions and all. He seems to like me enough.
So this year, I want to try something new. I have never been the kind of person to enjoy making New Year's resolutions, I typically do the usual "I will lose weight" like everyone else, just to say I made one. I refuse to make that a resolution because let's be honest, every year I end up like 10lbs heavier than than the year before. My theory this time is if I don't make it a resolution, then maybe I will be 10lbs lighter by then end of this year instead. A girl can hope.
So whats my something new? Myself.
My Unapologetic Me. I want to be who I am, say how I feel, do what I want for ME and not feel bad.
Don't get me wrong, does this mean I will stop caring about others feelings. Heck no. I am actually fairly certain I am completely incapable of disregarding others feelings. I want to just not feel so bad or sorry if someone isn't doesn't like who I am or what I am about.
For example, I started homeschooling my oldest (and only one of school age at this time) back in November of last year. I told maybe a hand full of people. Why? Because I was afraid I would some how upset someone.
Why should I be sorry for choosing to teach our children the why I think is best for OUR family? That's it though, I shouldn't be. I don't want to be. It doesn't have to be right for yours, you don't have to understand why I do it. Just trust that we made the right decision for us.
And so, this year, I plan to work on being more "me". Not the "me" I think people want me to be, not the me that walks on egg shells (for the most part, I have been known to speak up at times) to keep everyone happy and content. To be a more sure of myself, me.
Ok, another honest moment, this whole unapologetic me thing, may stick mostly within my blog. and I am not even sure I will share it on any social media. But it's a start right??? I have a year to work on it.
Sorry, not sorry.
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